Past Banter

Here are some writs I did recently. Take a read and enjoy...

The forecast said “cloudy with a slight chance of rain, high around 72”. At 5 this morning that was stellar news. That meant people would be staying inside today. People that stay inside watch movies. I rent movies. This was going to be a good day. Get to the gym and get a nice workout in. Sweat my gajeebers off (don’t ask me what a gajeeber is, but I know I don’t want it on me.) Now it’s 7:00 A.M., I’m sitting at my desk sipping my coffee…and I’m steamed. I’m downright fuming right now. Grrrrrr! It’s sunny out. Not a cloud in the sky. High is expected to be in the mid 70’s. Where the hell did the rain go? Where’s the clouds I was told would be here? Damn… I’m going to slap the next meteorologist I meet cuz he’s got some splainin to do! I guess I will succumb to the will of Mother Nature. So now what do I do? Nothing to do. Suck it up and move forward. It’s going to be a busy day anyway. Got in the office just before 7, go to a seminar from 9 to 3, get home and mow the lawn, iron some shirts, give my daughter a bath, maybe barbeque, drink a few brews…and hopefully go to bed early (that means before 11). But wait…something is missing. I’ve been feeling this strange sense of freedom all morning. Something is wrong. I never feel this way. There’s something missing. Why would I feel so unleashed today? Could it be that I’m not going to be in the office all day because I’m going to a seminar in an hour? No, that’s not it. Damn, this is weird. Anyway, I have a cute story for you. A couple of nights ago I was asked to read my daughter some stories for bedtime. I often do this so it was no big deal. She gets three books a night. She had recently gotten some new ones so this was going to be fun for both of us. So she comes to me with an arm full of books, got her pj’s on, and her hair in pigtails. Damn she’s a cutie!!! I follow her into her room and she places the books on her bed, crawls up there and starts rearranging her animals. They always get the best seating for storytime. I crawl up there too and start reading to her. As I’m reading I catch a glimpse of my daughter picking her nose…and eating the booger. I stop reading. I quietly tell her that she shouldn’t eat her boogers. And in the cutest and quietest of whispers she says “But I like it.” Hehe. I stay composed. I tell her that she shouldn’t because it’s not good for her and she could get sick from eating them. She looks at me with her Precious Moments eyes and says “But not very sick. Right?” I wanted to cry. God she is cute. I tell her that she wouldn’t get very sick, but she still shouldn’t. I continue reading. I catch her again picking her nose, but this time she is stops with this little bit of crusty on her finger trying to figure out what to do this it. She then wipes it on the side of the bed. She makes me sooooo proud! Hehe. I’m so happy I was there for this step in her life. I know, it ain’t a big one, but I’ll take what I get.
Now back to this sense of liberation that I’m experiencing. I figured it out. And it’s not good. I forgot my cellphone at home. Hmmmm, I wonder if this will be a good thing or a bad thing. Especially since I won’t be in the office today. I’m leaning toward good. Hahaha. My leash has been severed! I’m untethered for a day! Whoo hoo!

I often consider Mondays to be curse on society. Gods little way of letting us know that He’s in charge and that He can make our lives pretty damn miserable if He wanted to. Well yesterday seemed to be the exception. I got up early feeling pretty damn good. Got to the gym and got a great workout in. Clocked in at the office right at 7:00. Computers were playing nice, emails were flying, the debug on my machine went perfect…nice. Sure, it was a cold and rainy day, but that’s a good thing; from a sales standpoint. The day was shaping up to be pretty damn good. That is, until later that evening when I went to make my coffee. Just before I turn in for the evening I make my coffee for the next day. I pour the freshly brewed java into a thermos so that it’s nice and hot for my trip to the gym. Well, on this occasion I decided I’d grind the remainder of my bag of beans so I didn’t have to do it later. I also decided to pour the small amount of instant coffee in with it. I figured why have two containers of coffee when all I need is one. And the instant coffee was chocolate flavored so I thought it might be a nice little something for the remaining pots. Well, I learned something about instant coffee last night. Did you know that instant coffee, even in its smallest amount, will clog a paper coffee filter with amazing efficiency? And do you know where water goes when it can’t go thru the paper filter. You guessed it, over the top of the coffee maker, away from the coffee pot, onto the counter, down between the counter and stove, into to cupboards below, onto the shelves in the cupboards below….everywhere. As soon as I see this I rush to the coffee machine and pull the holder for the coffee and filter. I thought I would rather have the hot water going into the coffee pot rather than onto the counter. Now I want you to note a word from the previous sentence. The word “hot”. Oh yes, this coffee was HOT! I pull that holder out, get hot water on my hand, YELP!, drop the holder onto the floor (which just so happens to be where my feet reside), burn the top of my left foot with the water, splash hot wet coffee grounds all over the kitchen thus increasing the magnitude of the mess by a factor of 10. The kitchen looked as though my coffee maker had a violent case of diarrhea. And I happened to be the proctologist doing the inspection. Sooooo, after ruining about 10 towels, dismantling every cupboard, and filling both sinks with freshly soiled dishes, Erica finally decided to see what all the raucous was upstairs. I was just putting the bottom of the stove back in when she strolled up. I quickly thought of a story so she wouldn’t be too upset with me. I say “I pissed off the coffee machine and it puked on me.” She didn’t buy it. I told her what happened. She rolled her eyes and went to bed. So there I was, wet, burned, and without coffee for the morning. Did I forget to mention that it was a Monday.

Good Morning Ya'll. How's everyone doing this bright and beautiful day! Ain't it great to be alive! Nice warm morning, the birds singing, the sun rising in all its spender. Life is good!

Now, with that said, let me start on my typical early morning banter. Once again, got up at 4:30 A.M., but no...it wasn't 4:30, it was 3:00 A.M. Why was I awake at 3:00 in the morning you ask. I don't know. All I knew was that I wasn't happy about it. My pillow was on the floor next to me, the blankets were shoved to the side and I was cold. I reach down to retrieve my pillow from it gravity induced location only to get a thorough scolding from Tiffany; our cat who had decided that my pillow was actually manna from heaven and was now using it as a bed. Next I go to pull over the blankets to help warm myself. Well, this time I had to deal with a different cat... Erica. Sure, she's a cute little kitten, but at 3:00 in the morning it's best not to disturb her, and the pull from her the blankets that she had annexed sometime during the night would only serve to stoke a fire that lay smoldering in blissful slumber. But I was able to get a couple square feet of sheet for which to cover myself with. With pillow and sheet I snuggled in to catch that remaining 1.5 hours of well deserved sleep. NOT. I was awake and awake I was to stay. But I was tired. Too tired to get up. My mind kept rationalizing why or why not to get up, how much time I need to get going that morning, how long my workout was now going to be, and how late to work would I be. Finally at 5:00 I get myself out of bed and get ready. Coffee in tow and the car packed with my book bag, gym bag, lunch bag I start my day. And halfway down the driveway I stop. I look at my neighbors driveways. Yup, it's garbage day. I get out of my car and get the garbage to the curb; including the recyclables (cursed by I for marrying an environmental engineer...damn tree huggers [luv you hunny]). Now I get to the gym and get my workout in. Not as long as I would like, just 40 minutes on the elliptical. Had to change machines once since the first one I was on was not balanced properly. The left leg was traveling half the distance as the right. If I did that for 40 minutes I was afraid I'd be walking in circles all day! But today I decide that after my workout I'm going to treat myself to a protein shake. I have a 5 in my wallet; I can do this. I order a small Mocha Madness with chocolate protein. Ask the clerk how much. She answer $5.04. I tell her I have only a 5 spot. She asked me if I have any change in my bag. I don't... it's a gym bad, not a purse. I leave with no shake. So now here I am, in my office squandering away someone else's time to tell my family how I've spent the past three hours. Do I take into consideration that you may have better things to do? Not really, I just hope that if you read this and I make you smile even just once, I did what I aimed to accomplish. And by the way, can I borrow 4 cents from someone. I still want my shake.