They call me Outback Mike. I even have my own theme song; which will not be recited here. They took to this like stink on a hockey jersey. They went so far as to put it one the Welcome Sign in the plant lobby. Am I offended? Am I bothered by this attention? Not really. Ya know why? Because it's attention I wasn't getting before. Before I was Outback Mike they wouldn't get the time of day. Now, Outback Mike gets conversations and dialog. It may seem trivial that I needed attention, and you're right, it is. But if I don't have a relationship with them, some type of dialog, I would have a very difficult working for them. I had no idea what they thought of me or my work. They didn't know anything about me. Too bad it took a silly story to get the ball rolling, but I'm happy to say that since then they have started to appreciate what I bring to the table. Sure, they give me a ton of grief and love to make me the butt of most jokes. But I can deal with that. It's being ignored that was difficult.
Oh, you're wondering what the story is. Well, here's the scoop. I had made a trip to my customers plant in North Carolina one weekend. I was alone and arrived the night before I was scheduled to be in the plant. It was late, around 9:00 P.M., and wanted to grab a quick meal. I went to the Outback Steakhouse close to the hotel and had a seat right at the bar. Two bartenders were working that night, both female. Cute, but nothing to write home about. I order a martini and start looking at the menu. I quickly ordered a grilled chicken salad just at my drink arrives. My salad arrives as I finish my martini and the bartender asks if I'd like another drink. I decline and ask for a glass of water. I tell her I had to be in the plant early in the morning and didn't want to start drinking. Truth is, I didn't want to spend my whole days per diem on liquor at the bar. She informs me that it would be on the house. Well, I accept the offer and order a gin & tonic. I also ask for my glass of water. I finish my meal and drink and ask for my check. She asks if I'd like another drink. Well, I'm not going to turn down a free drink and settle down to enjoy my third while I scan the restraurant for someone that might be buying me drinks. Can't see anyone. All couples in sight. Have to admit, being bought a drink is kind of flattering. Never happened before, so I was enjoying this. Now I finish my drink and ask who I should thank for the drinks. She ignores my question and asks if I'd like another. I decline. I have to get back to the hotel and am starting to feel pretty good after three drinks. I ask her again who I should thank. She says that they would prefer to stay anonymous. Hmmmm. I tell her to thank them for me and I leave.
So the next day I tell one of the maintnenace guys this same story, but instead I tell them that the bartender told me that "he'd like to stay anonymous." Well, you can imagine the brewhaha that erupted over this. And thus, Outback Mike was born.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
The complicated pillow
Yes, a pillow can be complicated. No, not like setting up a ftp site or programming a vcr kind of complicated. No, I'm talking about a level of complication that is far outside the realm for a typical pillow. A pillow should be soft and firm with no buttons or zippers. A pillow-case is acceptable, but not required. The fabric of the pillow (or pillow case) should be soft and smooth, but not slippery (thus silk is out). The one in question has several buttons that run down the middle of one side, course fabric, a large border edge of the same material, and no function other than to cause me severe frustration whenever I am stuck with the argonous duty of putting the God-forsaken thing back together after my wife has washed it. So you might ask, What has this pillow ever done to me? It's not its fault it's complicated. It's only doing what it was designed to do; lay ontop of the the other pillows and match the comforter cover (which, in itself has a level of complication I'd rather not think about). Well, I do dislike this pillow. I don't like the fabric, I absolutely hate the buttons, and the large border edge...well, it just drives me nuts. And don't think I haven't given it its far shake. I have...on a number of occassions. The pillow that is inside this case is actually quite nice, but alas, it's outter shell was spawned in the ninth level of hell. It's course and anything but soft and worse yet, it leaves you with the worst head-lines if you sleep on it! Arrrgh!
Now, as a married man and one that doesn't take for granted the things my wife does around the house I shall not ever imply that she get rid of these pilllows. By no means! They match the decore of the room perfectly. But now I really must address the pillow count issue. I need three pillows for proper rest. One behind my back, on under my head, and one to hold onto and smother like a security blanket. And the complicated pillow will not be allowed to fill any one of those applications. I demand a supplimental pillow to be made available to me each evening. And in the meantime I will anex one of yours. hehe
Now, as a married man and one that doesn't take for granted the things my wife does around the house I shall not ever imply that she get rid of these pilllows. By no means! They match the decore of the room perfectly. But now I really must address the pillow count issue. I need three pillows for proper rest. One behind my back, on under my head, and one to hold onto and smother like a security blanket. And the complicated pillow will not be allowed to fill any one of those applications. I demand a supplimental pillow to be made available to me each evening. And in the meantime I will anex one of yours. hehe
Bubbles Rock
It was just a tiny stone in a tiny hand, but to the little girl it was a jewel. It sparkled, it shined, it was smooth and fit nicely in her little hand. And she had found it all by herself. Yes, Bubbles had a rock. It was Bubbles rock. Now this wasn't the first rock Bubbles had ever found. In fact, she often found many rocks while helping her mommy in the garden. But today, while playing with her friends in the back yard, this rock caught her eye in a special way. She normally looks for interesting rocks forwhich to share with her mommy and daddy. But today she hadn't been looking for a rock, today was the day to play with friends. But then, out of the corner of her eye she saw a glimmer of something. A jewel-like shimmer by some of her mommys flowers. And when she went to investigate what it was, there she found her rock. Or maybe, the rock found her.
Another piece of past
This I wrote not too long ago. It's one of my favorites.
Good Morning Everyone, it’s 46 degrees here in Motown with no chance of precipitation today. High around 69 degrees with partly cloudy skies. Got up at 4:30 this morning and after kicking the cat and downing some joe (coffee you sickos), I made may way to the gym. After a vigorous 50 minute workout and 700 calories later I made my way to the office. There I made a bee-line to the coffee machine for my second cup of joe. While imbibing on my caramel-colored-caffinated-sludge-of-glory (ya…that’s still coffee) I struck up a conversation with one of my coworkers. He was reminiscing about his glory days in the army and the adventures he had abroad. That brought me back to my days in the Salvation Army when I was commissioned to teach the poor children in Guatemala how to be ventriloquist. Oh the joy of seeing their faces light-up when they finally mastered the art of drinking from a glass of water while keeping their puppet talking in perfect English. Brings a tear to my eye. Or the time I was sent to El Salvador to assist in the rescue of a professional midget wrestling team that thought they could take on a live lion in a pay-per-view cage match. We saved all but 14 of those little guys, and after pumping the stomach of the lion we were able to recover most of the limbs of the survivors. My heart swells with pride with those memories. And now, with those days far gone, and with a family of my own I look forward to new adventures. Adventures that rival those of yesteryear. I revel with the anticipation of taking on my daughters first suitor. The joys of watching him try to figure out why it’s raining on a clear night while I pee on him from the roof. Or the look on his face after I invite him in the help me clean my shotgun. Ya, it’s not professional-midget-wrestling, but it’s just as gratifying. Yet now, I sit in my office squandering away a perfectly good 15 minutes of someone else’s time writing a complete paragraph of bunk. I’m melancholy as I look around and realize that today will be the same as yesterday as will be tomorrow. What adventures lie before me on this day? What is there to get my heart racing and the adrenaline pumping thru my veins? I foresee nothing of the sort. So what are we to do, we – the working stiffs of the world? Where might we find such adventures in suburbia??? I’ll tell you. In the imaginations of our children. Go home and play with them. Play with them and their friends. Teach them ventriloquism and watch them laugh. Who cares if you can’t do it. They surely don’t. Even try to do it while drinking water. All the better if it runs down the front of you. They will squeal delight. And if ever there was a lion in your heart, they are the midget wrestling team that will vanquish you. And the only thing anyone will have to worry about are those that have to scrub the grass stains out of the knees and elbows of the pants and shirts. Our adventures are there for us…everyday. Go and be a part of it!
With that I have made my way thru my first cup of coffee and am ready for another. Have a good day and I pray all of you have an adventurous day with your children.
Good Morning Everyone, it’s 46 degrees here in Motown with no chance of precipitation today. High around 69 degrees with partly cloudy skies. Got up at 4:30 this morning and after kicking the cat and downing some joe (coffee you sickos), I made may way to the gym. After a vigorous 50 minute workout and 700 calories later I made my way to the office. There I made a bee-line to the coffee machine for my second cup of joe. While imbibing on my caramel-colored-caffinated-sludge-of-glory (ya…that’s still coffee) I struck up a conversation with one of my coworkers. He was reminiscing about his glory days in the army and the adventures he had abroad. That brought me back to my days in the Salvation Army when I was commissioned to teach the poor children in Guatemala how to be ventriloquist. Oh the joy of seeing their faces light-up when they finally mastered the art of drinking from a glass of water while keeping their puppet talking in perfect English. Brings a tear to my eye. Or the time I was sent to El Salvador to assist in the rescue of a professional midget wrestling team that thought they could take on a live lion in a pay-per-view cage match. We saved all but 14 of those little guys, and after pumping the stomach of the lion we were able to recover most of the limbs of the survivors. My heart swells with pride with those memories. And now, with those days far gone, and with a family of my own I look forward to new adventures. Adventures that rival those of yesteryear. I revel with the anticipation of taking on my daughters first suitor. The joys of watching him try to figure out why it’s raining on a clear night while I pee on him from the roof. Or the look on his face after I invite him in the help me clean my shotgun. Ya, it’s not professional-midget-wrestling, but it’s just as gratifying. Yet now, I sit in my office squandering away a perfectly good 15 minutes of someone else’s time writing a complete paragraph of bunk. I’m melancholy as I look around and realize that today will be the same as yesterday as will be tomorrow. What adventures lie before me on this day? What is there to get my heart racing and the adrenaline pumping thru my veins? I foresee nothing of the sort. So what are we to do, we – the working stiffs of the world? Where might we find such adventures in suburbia??? I’ll tell you. In the imaginations of our children. Go home and play with them. Play with them and their friends. Teach them ventriloquism and watch them laugh. Who cares if you can’t do it. They surely don’t. Even try to do it while drinking water. All the better if it runs down the front of you. They will squeal delight. And if ever there was a lion in your heart, they are the midget wrestling team that will vanquish you. And the only thing anyone will have to worry about are those that have to scrub the grass stains out of the knees and elbows of the pants and shirts. Our adventures are there for us…everyday. Go and be a part of it!
With that I have made my way thru my first cup of coffee and am ready for another. Have a good day and I pray all of you have an adventurous day with your children.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
And the Banter played on
Did you know that Bamboo is a grass? Yup, that stuff in your frontyard is a cousin to bamboo. Do you know how I found this out? Well, bamboo is the world TALLEST grass. And I've got a yard full of it!!!! Last night, with machette in hand, I hacked a path to my daughters play area. As Jeff Foxworthy may have eluded to, I didn't find any cars in the yard, but I think I scared up a couple of silver back gorillas and a panda or two. It's a jungle out there!
As you may have noticed from my previous rant I am working too much. And in an effort to keep myself in the good graces of my neighbors I hired a lawncare company to cut my lawn. The grass had been getting a little high, but nothing too bad. We haven't gotten much rain lately and I didn't have time over the weekend to cut it and the service said they would be coming out on Monday to cut it anyway. No worries. Then Sunday comes, and with it a deluge. Then lots of sun again. Then Monday...more sun. The grass is now over 6" in height. And guess who lives next to the most emaculate yard in the world...me. Next to my neighbors yard I might as well have three broken down cars in the front yard and a couch on the porch. I can only wish I could afford the time they do on their yard!
As you may have noticed from my previous rant I am working too much. And in an effort to keep myself in the good graces of my neighbors I hired a lawncare company to cut my lawn. The grass had been getting a little high, but nothing too bad. We haven't gotten much rain lately and I didn't have time over the weekend to cut it and the service said they would be coming out on Monday to cut it anyway. No worries. Then Sunday comes, and with it a deluge. Then lots of sun again. Then Monday...more sun. The grass is now over 6" in height. And guess who lives next to the most emaculate yard in the world...me. Next to my neighbors yard I might as well have three broken down cars in the front yard and a couch on the porch. I can only wish I could afford the time they do on their yard!
Now this is a Rant
It's crazy. Life that is. Here it is, Tuesday, and I'm trying to keep it all together. My head hurts, I'm overwhelmed with work, seriously stressed over a plethera of issues, and little hope of improvement before my next cup of coffee. Is this the total of my life? Is this what I have to look forward to for the foreseeable future? I certainly hope not.
I thought I was starting to get a grip on things. I thought I had matters well in hand. Two projects on my plate, yard looking good, working just enough overtime to allow me to take my family out to dinner on occassion. Not too bad. Little did I know that it was all going to change in the blink of an eye. Sure, the same old stuff is there; taking care of the house, owning the business that I'm trying to dump, traveling for work more than I should, not making the money I want...blah blah blah. But then Kent left. Yes, the other half of my department left me. Here I was, 50% of a two-man controls show and now I'm it. The whole kit-n-kaboodle. And guess who inherited his three projects? Yours truly. Dayum! What have I gotten thrust into? Five projects and no time. I knew Kent had been looking for a new job. I knew he wanted to go into management. But I thought he'd atleast have the curtiousy to finish one or two of his projects prior to leaving. Grrrrrr! This past Sunday was my last day off for 1.5 months. I shake my head and wonder how this happened.
I'm trying to find the silver lining. Bear with me while I do some soul searching on this one! Until then, I'm going to get back to work. Wish me luck.
I thought I was starting to get a grip on things. I thought I had matters well in hand. Two projects on my plate, yard looking good, working just enough overtime to allow me to take my family out to dinner on occassion. Not too bad. Little did I know that it was all going to change in the blink of an eye. Sure, the same old stuff is there; taking care of the house, owning the business that I'm trying to dump, traveling for work more than I should, not making the money I want...blah blah blah. But then Kent left. Yes, the other half of my department left me. Here I was, 50% of a two-man controls show and now I'm it. The whole kit-n-kaboodle. And guess who inherited his three projects? Yours truly. Dayum! What have I gotten thrust into? Five projects and no time. I knew Kent had been looking for a new job. I knew he wanted to go into management. But I thought he'd atleast have the curtiousy to finish one or two of his projects prior to leaving. Grrrrrr! This past Sunday was my last day off for 1.5 months. I shake my head and wonder how this happened.
I'm trying to find the silver lining. Bear with me while I do some soul searching on this one! Until then, I'm going to get back to work. Wish me luck.
Past Banter
Here are some writs I did recently. Take a read and enjoy...
The forecast said “cloudy with a slight chance of rain, high around 72”. At 5 this morning that was stellar news. That meant people would be staying inside today. People that stay inside watch movies. I rent movies. This was going to be a good day. Get to the gym and get a nice workout in. Sweat my gajeebers off (don’t ask me what a gajeeber is, but I know I don’t want it on me.) Now it’s 7:00 A.M., I’m sitting at my desk sipping my coffee…and I’m steamed. I’m downright fuming right now. Grrrrrr! It’s sunny out. Not a cloud in the sky. High is expected to be in the mid 70’s. Where the hell did the rain go? Where’s the clouds I was told would be here? Damn… I’m going to slap the next meteorologist I meet cuz he’s got some splainin to do! I guess I will succumb to the will of Mother Nature. So now what do I do? Nothing to do. Suck it up and move forward. It’s going to be a busy day anyway. Got in the office just before 7, go to a seminar from 9 to 3, get home and mow the lawn, iron some shirts, give my daughter a bath, maybe barbeque, drink a few brews…and hopefully go to bed early (that means before 11). But wait…something is missing. I’ve been feeling this strange sense of freedom all morning. Something is wrong. I never feel this way. There’s something missing. Why would I feel so unleashed today? Could it be that I’m not going to be in the office all day because I’m going to a seminar in an hour? No, that’s not it. Damn, this is weird. Anyway, I have a cute story for you. A couple of nights ago I was asked to read my daughter some stories for bedtime. I often do this so it was no big deal. She gets three books a night. She had recently gotten some new ones so this was going to be fun for both of us. So she comes to me with an arm full of books, got her pj’s on, and her hair in pigtails. Damn she’s a cutie!!! I follow her into her room and she places the books on her bed, crawls up there and starts rearranging her animals. They always get the best seating for storytime. I crawl up there too and start reading to her. As I’m reading I catch a glimpse of my daughter picking her nose…and eating the booger. I stop reading. I quietly tell her that she shouldn’t eat her boogers. And in the cutest and quietest of whispers she says “But I like it.” Hehe. I stay composed. I tell her that she shouldn’t because it’s not good for her and she could get sick from eating them. She looks at me with her Precious Moments eyes and says “But not very sick. Right?” I wanted to cry. God she is cute. I tell her that she wouldn’t get very sick, but she still shouldn’t. I continue reading. I catch her again picking her nose, but this time she is stops with this little bit of crusty on her finger trying to figure out what to do this it. She then wipes it on the side of the bed. She makes me sooooo proud! Hehe. I’m so happy I was there for this step in her life. I know, it ain’t a big one, but I’ll take what I get.
Now back to this sense of liberation that I’m experiencing. I figured it out. And it’s not good. I forgot my cellphone at home. Hmmmm, I wonder if this will be a good thing or a bad thing. Especially since I won’t be in the office today. I’m leaning toward good. Hahaha. My leash has been severed! I’m untethered for a day! Whoo hoo!
I often consider Mondays to be curse on society. Gods little way of letting us know that He’s in charge and that He can make our lives pretty damn miserable if He wanted to. Well yesterday seemed to be the exception. I got up early feeling pretty damn good. Got to the gym and got a great workout in. Clocked in at the office right at 7:00. Computers were playing nice, emails were flying, the debug on my machine went perfect…nice. Sure, it was a cold and rainy day, but that’s a good thing; from a sales standpoint. The day was shaping up to be pretty damn good. That is, until later that evening when I went to make my coffee. Just before I turn in for the evening I make my coffee for the next day. I pour the freshly brewed java into a thermos so that it’s nice and hot for my trip to the gym. Well, on this occasion I decided I’d grind the remainder of my bag of beans so I didn’t have to do it later. I also decided to pour the small amount of instant coffee in with it. I figured why have two containers of coffee when all I need is one. And the instant coffee was chocolate flavored so I thought it might be a nice little something for the remaining pots. Well, I learned something about instant coffee last night. Did you know that instant coffee, even in its smallest amount, will clog a paper coffee filter with amazing efficiency? And do you know where water goes when it can’t go thru the paper filter. You guessed it, over the top of the coffee maker, away from the coffee pot, onto the counter, down between the counter and stove, into to cupboards below, onto the shelves in the cupboards below….everywhere. As soon as I see this I rush to the coffee machine and pull the holder for the coffee and filter. I thought I would rather have the hot water going into the coffee pot rather than onto the counter. Now I want you to note a word from the previous sentence. The word “hot”. Oh yes, this coffee was HOT! I pull that holder out, get hot water on my hand, YELP!, drop the holder onto the floor (which just so happens to be where my feet reside), burn the top of my left foot with the water, splash hot wet coffee grounds all over the kitchen thus increasing the magnitude of the mess by a factor of 10. The kitchen looked as though my coffee maker had a violent case of diarrhea. And I happened to be the proctologist doing the inspection. Sooooo, after ruining about 10 towels, dismantling every cupboard, and filling both sinks with freshly soiled dishes, Erica finally decided to see what all the raucous was upstairs. I was just putting the bottom of the stove back in when she strolled up. I quickly thought of a story so she wouldn’t be too upset with me. I say “I pissed off the coffee machine and it puked on me.” She didn’t buy it. I told her what happened. She rolled her eyes and went to bed. So there I was, wet, burned, and without coffee for the morning. Did I forget to mention that it was a Monday.
Good Morning Ya'll. How's everyone doing this bright and beautiful day! Ain't it great to be alive! Nice warm morning, the birds singing, the sun rising in all its spender. Life is good!
Now, with that said, let me start on my typical early morning banter. Once again, got up at 4:30 A.M., but no...it wasn't 4:30, it was 3:00 A.M. Why was I awake at 3:00 in the morning you ask. I don't know. All I knew was that I wasn't happy about it. My pillow was on the floor next to me, the blankets were shoved to the side and I was cold. I reach down to retrieve my pillow from it gravity induced location only to get a thorough scolding from Tiffany; our cat who had decided that my pillow was actually manna from heaven and was now using it as a bed. Next I go to pull over the blankets to help warm myself. Well, this time I had to deal with a different cat... Erica. Sure, she's a cute little kitten, but at 3:00 in the morning it's best not to disturb her, and the pull from her the blankets that she had annexed sometime during the night would only serve to stoke a fire that lay smoldering in blissful slumber. But I was able to get a couple square feet of sheet for which to cover myself with. With pillow and sheet I snuggled in to catch that remaining 1.5 hours of well deserved sleep. NOT. I was awake and awake I was to stay. But I was tired. Too tired to get up. My mind kept rationalizing why or why not to get up, how much time I need to get going that morning, how long my workout was now going to be, and how late to work would I be. Finally at 5:00 I get myself out of bed and get ready. Coffee in tow and the car packed with my book bag, gym bag, lunch bag I start my day. And halfway down the driveway I stop. I look at my neighbors driveways. Yup, it's garbage day. I get out of my car and get the garbage to the curb; including the recyclables (cursed by I for marrying an environmental engineer...damn tree huggers [luv you hunny]). Now I get to the gym and get my workout in. Not as long as I would like, just 40 minutes on the elliptical. Had to change machines once since the first one I was on was not balanced properly. The left leg was traveling half the distance as the right. If I did that for 40 minutes I was afraid I'd be walking in circles all day! But today I decide that after my workout I'm going to treat myself to a protein shake. I have a 5 in my wallet; I can do this. I order a small Mocha Madness with chocolate protein. Ask the clerk how much. She answer $5.04. I tell her I have only a 5 spot. She asked me if I have any change in my bag. I don't... it's a gym bad, not a purse. I leave with no shake. So now here I am, in my office squandering away someone else's time to tell my family how I've spent the past three hours. Do I take into consideration that you may have better things to do? Not really, I just hope that if you read this and I make you smile even just once, I did what I aimed to accomplish. And by the way, can I borrow 4 cents from someone. I still want my shake.
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